4 U... (a letter to Prince)
This has been a blog post that was in progress for over a year now. The first urge to write it was the night of the Golden Globe Awards, January 11, 2015. I had a feeling that something in the water was well, not computing. I was taken aback: Always feeling connected, something just felt off to me. But regrettably, I let it go. I tried to make excuses. Everyone has off days and I knew his hips were an issue. I felt a pain inside for Prince that night but made myself push that feeling away, probably because that feeling was too overwhelming. Then, a quick month later, the Grammy’s. I NEVER watch awards but for some reason caught both of these. To my horror those feelings came flooding back. No, no, something IS wrong. I know that look, we have the same skin, the same eyes. I’ve had that look before. It’s when you really feel bad or sick but you want to be part of what’s going on around you, so you smile, in spite of how you feel. Your eyes are glassy and your skin is a strange yellow that only we with that shade of skin can get. My heart sank. My body began to tingle. The same tingle you get when you are excited about something but you also get when you are nervous, I mean REALLY nervous. I thought to myself, Kim, you need to realize that you are 10 years younger and someday….I cannot say it. I just won’t, still…but it was a feeling of ending, Like when you are about to find out that Santa or the Tooth Fairy aren’t real and you can’t face it. But I knew that it was something that long in the future I would need to be prepared for. LONG in the future I thought, because we are both so healthy. Making sure we don’t eat the way the S.A.D. (Standard American Diet) people do. Keeping our bodies as clean as possible. It will be a long while, but I need to be ready because it will be mentally and physically life altering for me AND I need to see him. I need to meet him and tell him everything.
I knew at that moment the depths of my love and admiration. I was happy about that actually, knowing that it proved that I really was who I’ve always claimed to be. A deeply devoted follower of all things Princely since 1979. His little sister. But this blog post will not continue this way! I have written it over and over and fallen far behind other avid followers, family & friends (we don’t say fans, btw) because it never felt right. My feelings are different, at least to me they are. What he means is so much more, at least to me he does. So this, this post I was writing, it kept feeling wrong. The words were thoughts and rambles that kept coming out wrong and I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t wrangle it all together and express it for all of you.
Then it hit me this past weekend and I realized why….because it’s not FOR you! It’s not for ANY of you. It’s always been about what I wanted HIM to know. It doesn’t matter what you think of me. I mean, I am devoted and with that, through the years has come ridicule, teasing, bullying even, but I stood strong. Just like my religious beliefs, I will not wither. I will not deny! I will stand up and express my love for the rest of my life! So this is NOT for you. If this hurts your feelings, I’m sorry but my intent is not to prove anything to the general public.
Prince, this is all 4 U!
To my brother Prince,
How can I start, maybe at the beginning? I am adopted and was born in Dallas, Texas. I was given up at birth by my birth mother who is white. My birth father, who is black and a musician knows nothing about my existence. I was adopted by a white family in Minnesota three days before my 1st birthday. I went through several years of searching 4 something that I felt connected 2. From as little as three I remember feeling strange and out of place. This feeling continued until I was about 11. We had moved 2 a town closer 2 Minneapolis and I made new friends but still had no one around that made me feel connected. One day a girl came over 2 my friend’s house 2 bring some music 2 listen 2 and that’s when everything changed. She handed me Controversy. I stared at the face, well, the body on the cassette case. Something was so familiar. Like the whole world stood still I looked at it forever. I had a million questions. Who is this? How old is he? Who is his father? Where was he born? How could the world suddenly be so small? She had so many things she could have brought but she handed me the answers 2 my 11 year old life in one cassette. We listened. It was everything I could have ever wanted at 11. It was magical, naughty, complex, scary, exciting, beautiful and well, just perfect. I had 2 have it! I begged this new acquaintance 4 the opportunity 2 run home and copy it. I had found what I was looking 4; family, music and who I was all in one place; I found U.
As soon as I was old enough 2 drive the constant search 4 anything that could possibly be u was all my friends and I did. We would go 2 every all ages show, follow the bands around after the show, drive around looking at your house, 4 your car, anything. The year Under the Cherry Moon came out was magical. My friend Mar won tickets 2 the screening so we went and then we 2 the after party Downtown St. Paul. I went 2 another screening that same week with a guy in a band and u were there. I didn’t have 2 see u, sitting there when I walked by, I could feel u there. About a week or two later a friend came over. He worked at a movie theater in Minnetonka. He told us u rented out the place 4 another screening just 4 friends but he couldn’t tell us when or he would get fired. I said, ‘you tell me the day, I will KNOW the time!’ He gave me the date and I turned 2 my friends and said, matter of fact, ‘Midnight!’ So we made a plan. We arrived early 2 get our place in the lot. It was almost empty. We were bored so we did a little sparkling grape juice toast on the roof of my friend’s station wagon and drank and laughed. We got bored again so we got back inside the car. A few minutes later a limo pulled in and parked one spot away. With all our windows down we held our breath and there u were. Dressed in black and white with round shades on. I couldn’t breathe. I wanted 2 ask if we could come 2 but I was scared, excited and in shock. We didn’t make a sound but u knew why we were there. You stopped in your tracks, turned back 2 look, put down ur shades and smiled, turned and walked away. It was magic. Thank you 4 that!
I really don’t need 2 tell u my whole life story or all the times we were by each other because u were there. All I really want u 2 know is that u are so much 2 me. You have given me the soundtrack 2 my life. You gave me an identity when I was trying 2 figure out who I was. You made me strong and brave and taught me not 2 care what people think of me. Yes, I may look different, but that makes me beautiful! I may dress differently but that makes me creative. I may think differently but that makes me intelligent. If I want something, really bad, u taught me 2 fight 4 it! Even though I may never know part of my biological family, it doesn’t matter, because I adopted u. U are so much more than a great musician, u have 2 know that!
But things have changed. How can I explain what it feels like 2 be here on Earth without u? So many things have happened since 4/21. Our world IS falling, maybe it IS almost time 2 go. There is hatred that’s growing, the planet seems angry, our future bleak and all while u aren’t here.
4 me, it’s been unbearable at times and inspiring others. 2 lose u is like losing a part of who I am. But now u must also know that we, the Purple Family, have found each other and continue 2 every day. It’s an amazing feeling of acceptance! We grieve, laugh and comfort each other. We help each other through new life changes, medical scares, celebrations, addictions and abuse. We have all found each other because of u and I know it’s what u would have wanted. U can rest knowing that we will take care of each other all around the world now no matter what may come and I know now that I will see u again someday and then I really want 2 talk!
When something really tragic happens we wish 4 it not 2 have happened, none of it. Or maybe just ONE small thing 2 change that would turn back time and stop the tragedy altogether. Its human 2 want that. It's human 2 wish we could go back, or would have been there, or could have stopped it, or could have said something. I think that sometimes playing out those scenarios makes us feel a little better. It makes us think another way instead of facing what is in front of us. I can't bare it...don't know if I ever will. I wish I could have been there for u. I am only 5 minutes away and I would have done anything 2 stop the tragedy that unfolded that night. But this is how I am. So empathetic that I replay scenarios until they turn out right. This is what I do, but then I stop the scenario and realize that it cannot change and it hurts. It hurts so much that I know now that the words heartache and broken heart are true. When I was little I wondered why people said that. The heart isn’t like your brain, it doesn’t have emotion!? Oh, but it is and it does! It DOES have feeling and it can hurt even when it’s healthy because that part of us is really connected to our soul, it is how we feel. Scientifically it makes no sense but when u feel it, u know it to be true. The heart isn’t just an organ that pumps inside of u, it controls the very being that u are. It carries all of ur feelings u have inside and physically causes pain when u miss or have lost someone u love.
I miss you every day. I miss the magical feeling that we could be rounding the corner at the same time maybe on bikes, maybe shopping, or just passing by on the highway like that night so long ago. I miss the anticipation of another party. I just miss U! Please know that u created great emotion. U made a huge impact on this whole world. U accomplished everything u wanted 2 achieve and so much more. We heard u and we will never forget. We will carry on your purpose 4 u now. So rest my sweet brother, I will see u later!
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